By the way, blog temporarily resumed.
Where are we now ('we' sounds a little bit schizophrenic...)? Well, I graduated this past June, spent the summer doing all kinds of things (work experience at an outdoor centre, hiking at home, graduating in Edinburgh, visiting the Kinne family in London, being best man at the wedding of two of my dearest friends, being a leader at SU camp again, and holidaying with my family for the first time in years up in Lochcarron, Wester Ross), then returned to Edinburgh after nearly ten weeks in absentia to look for a job and a place to live, whilst being put up by the generous and wonderful Macdonalds.
The good news is I've found a job! Or did it find me? Probably the latter. I am working as a (for the moment trainee) property manager with 1st Choice Property Management. That is actually slightly bizarre for me to say, because I didn't expect to be working in a business or an office environment! But here I am, and God has been incredibly generous.
What else? Well, the main reason I wanted to write was to ramble, and hopefully by rambling, process, some things that are taking place at the moment, especially with regards to faith. (Shouldn't everything relate to faith? Perhaps I still compartmentalise my life in my head...Help, Lord!)
Yesterday afternoon was intense. Having had not quite enough sleep and being involved with the set up, running and dismantling of church, I turned up at the afternoon church we run for kids from Leith, largely the Cables Wynd flats. To be honest, I hadn't been involved for weeks, and I've struggled to form relationships with most of the kids, with a couple of exceptions here and there. Anyway, while things started out tranquil, they ended near-apocalyptic, and it was really disheartening. The kids were really rude, unresponsive to any kind of request, instruction or challenge, and completely out of order - I suppose details aren't suppose to be shared for child protection reasons etc., but suffice to say that it was absolutely MENTAL!
I walked away from it all feeling a bunch of things - not wanting to do it again, disheartened about the wider social issues in Leith that these kids' behaviour reflects, but, most difficult of all, deeply and unshakably provoked about God's love.
I suppose most feelings or realisations or experiences I've had to do with God's love are incredible, overwhelming, sweeping, stirring, exciting, joyful, (etc. etc.) - fundamentally affirming and positive, encouraging. But this was different. This was where rubber hit the road - or will some day. What I mean by that is this - the way the kids treated us made me angry, judgemental, self-righteous, condemning and resentful. They don't deserve anything we're doing or trying to do for them, and they are barely grateful even a fraction of the time. They are obnoxious, ridiculously self-centred, foul mouthed, and antisocial. The list could go on. But part of me (and a very small part, I must admit; the rest of me was still RAGING!) realised that that is exactly how I must have looked to God, and likely still do at times.
The thing that yesterday's episode should any hopefully will prompt me to is some kind of realisation of the ridiculous, irresponsible, incomprehensible pursuing love of God. His is the love that pursues the prodigal, the child who has literally wished their Father dead, spat in His face, and gorged themselves on the gifts He has given them without even a thought of thanks. His is the love that left the glory of heaven and entered the broken wreckage of earth to come and find and rescue us. His is the love that surrendered to the cruel and hateful nails of a criminal's cross. His is the love that even then cried out, 'Father, forgive them.'
This isn't a love that I can grasp, that I can comprehend and structure into helpful formulae and theory that will allow me to understand it. This isn't a love that exists only in the pages of a book, or the thoughts of a reasoned mind. This isn't a love that sets rules and has limits. This is the love of God, this is the God of love.
And the craziest part of all is that this is a love that enters the most broken, wretched, dirty and undeserving places we can imagine and seeks those who dwell amidst the wreckage. And I am one of them. May I never embrace a gospel that tells me I am better than they, I am more deserving than they, I am more righteous than they.
It's hard, it's so hard. Or maybe a better way to put it is that it's easier to try and live a life that's oblivious to these things. But is it really? Will the Spirit that dwells within me ever be drowned out by the selfish desires for my own comfort and convenience that bicker for attention? Will the God who holds the whole world in His hands change His mind and turn to me, saying, 'you're right - they don't deserve it'? Will He ever stop loving the unlovely?
Then who am I to make the call? Who am I to decide who is fit to be loved and served?
Father, have mercy on this tired soul, and revive the heart that grows weary. Your love never fails.
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