honesty box

Happiness.

2011-05-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have the desire to do something completely awesome? Like conquering an enormous mountain that's only ever been scaled by a few interpid climbers, or embarking on an epic voyage across endless oceans, or being the first person ever to (insert previously unaccomplished feat here)?

Sometimes I do.

But lately, I've been coming to the conclusion that no matter how awesome your life is - no matter how many incredible things you've done, places you've been, experiences you've had, stamps you have in your passport, bracelets on your wrist, photographs on Facebook, etc. - none of that will ever really matter unless it's shared with another person.

That guy from Into the Wild wrote something like, 'happiness is not real unless shared,' and he was right. So in a similar sort of vein to St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians, I could climb the highest mountain, gaze upon the most exquisite sunset, push my body beyond its limits, achieve all that I've ever wanted on this earth, but if I don't have love, I am nothing, I have nothing, and I gain nothing.

At the end of the day, the most meaningful, important and memorable things I have are the friendships I've been gifted with. So, dear friends, thank you - you've enriched my life beyond what these words can say. Especially you, Mrs nearly-Wright. ;)

You are what you eat:

2010-12-23T03:50:00.000-08:00

'When your words came, I ate them;
They were my joy and my heart's delight...'

Jeremiah 15.16

Don't quote me on this next one, but it feels like the right thing to say:

'The Word of God is fuel for the fire of His Spirit.'

Replenish.

2010-12-23T03:03:00.000-08:00

Last night a bunch of us got together to sing songs of worship, to pray, to run after God together. Just a group of friends, brothers and sisters, coming together to dance and sing with our Father, Who Is Love.

It was so wonderfully refreshing, a rich and life-giving time! When you have experiences like that, you start to wonder why you ever do anything else in your spare time. It's times like these that the psalmist's encouragement to 'taste and see that the LORD is good' comes home.

Sometimes life seems too much, too hard - there's struggle, there's oppression, there's stress and fear and anxiety and being overwhelmed by a big city full of rotten and dark things - drug abuse, homelessness, violence, despair, poverty of material and mind, coldness of hearts, depression, etc.

But it's times like last night that bring hope and joy and gladness in the midst of all of that. And it's not an escape either, because while we lose ourselves in God's presence, the love that He pours out stirs and fills and drives and bursts out of us - it can't be contained! I can try to contain that, but it will just hurt! The dam of my reluctance, anxiety and selfishness can only hold back the mighty waters of His Love for a little while - eventually I'll burst!

Sometimes I'm truly overwhelmed by the state of the world, my city, my neighbourhood, my heart. Sometimes I just want my conscience and the Holy Spirit to leave me alone, so I can just do nothing, trying desperately but pointlessly to find my comfort and joy in anything but my Creator. But the good news is that I'm not the solution, and God doesn't expect me to come up with one either. He's already made a Way, and that way is a Person - Jesus!

All that to say, take heart, dear friends, beloved of our Saviour. The best thing we can do to see our lives changed and our cities and nations impacted is to simply spend time in the presence of our God and King, getting filled up to overflowing by His mighty, zealous, waterfall of Love!

Let's come to Him, together, empty ourselves out, and let Him fill us up!

www.myspace.com/unitedpursuit
www.myspace.com/brockhuman

These dear brothers and sisters sing songs that have encouraged me greatly - have a listen, and let the same Spirit that inspired these anthems replenish your heart in the Grace of our Lord and Saviour, King Jesus.

Blog.

2010-12-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

I love to write, and it really helps me process my thoughts, in a sort of stream-of-consciousness-leading-to-pool-of-clarity way. I'd even go as far as saying I feel like God speaks to me most clearly while I'm writing.

However, writing, and specifically writing blogs, will never be a satisfying substitute for an actual relationship with God. As someone once said (more or less), 'it's easier to know about God than to actually know Him.'

And it really is - God is elusive, unpredictable, uncontainable, surprising, and a whole host of other things. I might even add frustrating to that list, and not just in a holy sense of frustrating my limited and fallen expectations and desires, though He surely does that too. On the other hand, learning about the stuff of God - the Christian life, the philosophy of His Kingdom, theology, biblical criticism, etc. is infinitely easier. Not to say that God is absent from these things, or doesn't speak through these things, but I think you can understand what I mean when I say it's easier to get hold of God's stuff than God Himself.

Anyway, I suppose the question this all comes down to is am I willing to settle for less than the relationship I was created to be in? Can I get by on God stuff and not God? Will I try to? The answer to all of these can often be 'yes', at least initially. But there's some sort of homing-beacon or holy magnet in my chest that just won't let things stay that way, thankfully. Perhaps the Holy Spirit?

God's stuff - easier to get, but ultimately dissatisfying; God Himself - often difficult to find, but worth every struggle that may come along the way. Yay!

O God, you are my God,
Earnestly I seek you;
My soul thirst for you,
My body longs for you,
In a dry and weary land
Where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
And beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
My lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
And in your name I will lifty up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
With singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
Your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63.1-8

Don't you just love them psalms?

New eyes.

2010-09-24T01:12:00.000-07:00

Struggle isn't the time to give up; it's an opportunity to press in for more of God.

Dark places aren't to have the final say - they are neither impregnable nor unmoveable - they are a call to go and let our light shine.

Failure isn't the hour to let go; it's a chance to hold on and see God prove faithful.

The way things are doesn't have to be the way things stay, but what's going to change if I never stop and pray?

They say 'dead end,' but my spirit cries 'prepare ye the way of the Lord';
they shout 'no hope,' but the angels sing of His faithfulness;
they scream 'it's over,' but the Spirit laughs - 'it's only just beginning.'

For up from the ashes something's rising,
Up from the wreckage hope is stirring,
Up from the dirt the broken are climbing and finding themselves re-named, 'beautiful', 'whole', 'pure' and 'lovely.'

And a kingdom turns the world on its head, where kings ride donkeys and the humbled are exalted and the God of the Ages chooses a dirty manger as His moment to slip into the human history.

The light shines, but the darkness cannot understand or overcome it.

Quote.

2010-09-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

You are not alone in your pursuit of God. All across the nations, the bride of Christ is awakening to her identity: to stand and shine as a light proclaiming the greatness of our God. God's radiance is overtaking us. The more we stare into His beauty, the more we will reflect Christ to our broken world. This is the heartbeat of this album. As you listen and worship, know you're not alone. Know that there is a global company of people whose only desire is to love God, see the world run to Jesus, and have the joy of running this race together.

United Pursuit Band, from the sleevenotes of the album Radiance.

(Thanks, Chase.)

I dare you to move.

2010-09-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

There's a famous quote by a missionary (I forget his name) that goes like this:

Only a person who risks all that they cannot keep to gain that which they can never lose is truly free.

And there's another quote by an even more famous missionary (you know his name) that says this:

To live is Christ; to die is gain.

When I first started blogging, I had some sort of idea to keep a sort of 'Holy Spirit diary,' basically recording where I felt God led me and the things that happened as a result of following His promptings.

For a long time now I've had glimpses of what a life completely surrendered to that leading might look like, but have been too reluctant or anxious to give myself wholeheartedly to such a thing. When I was younger I was far more carefree, I suppose, and responded cheerfully and swiftly to the tugging of An Geadh-Glas at my heart. Somehow, somewhere along the line, fears and reluctance crept in, and it's been a battle ever since.

But that doesn't have to be how the story ends. Far from it - in fact, I want to return to that original idea of using this blog as a Holy Spirit diary! I hope this isn't for my own glory (i.e. 'look what an awesome Christian I am, being so obedient'), but rather as a sort of accountability place (an honesty box!) and a testimony sharing spot.

I know I'll make mistakes. I know I'll look like a complete idiot a lot of the time. I know it will cost me my dignity, my comfort, probably a lot of the money I've been entrusted with (was just going to write 'my money' but got a bit convicted half way through typing!), my heart, my time. But I would rather have all of that than the cold, bitter feeling of having never even tried.

It's got to the point where Jesus must be king of my life, completely, or my faith is just an individualistic, introverted, cliquey and ultimately powerless self-esteem booster. There isn't really a halfway house here.

And so I throw down a gauntlet to myself, in a way. But I'm confident of one thing: that God has a greater hold of me than I do of Him, and that He's good.

Lead on, Lord!

Where you go I go,

What you say I say,

What you pray I pray.

A holy discontent.

2010-09-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

I lack desire for God, but I want to want Him.

I'm reluctant to obey, but I want to follow His Spirit.

I'm wrestling with sin in my heart and head, but I want His purity.

I find it hard to make time to get in God's word and in prayer, but I long for His presence.

I feel empty, but I want to be filled.

I doubt, but I want to have faith.

I feel like giving in to the things offered me by the world, but I want to believe that He is better.

There is always a gap between the way things are and the way things should be. But the gap is closing, as the kingdom of heaven invades earth and the Spirit of God breaks in to weary hearts.

There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Arise, shine, for your light has come,

And the glory of the Lord rises upon you.

See, darkness covers the earth,

And thick darkness is over the peoples.

But the Lord rises upon you,

And his glory appears over you. [Isaiah 60.1-2]

A Ramble.

2010-08-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

I used to try and find a suitable picture for each blog because...well that's what bloggers do, right?

By the way, blog temporarily resumed.

Where are we now ('we' sounds a little bit schizophrenic...)? Well, I graduated this past June, spent the summer doing all kinds of things (work experience at an outdoor centre, hiking at home, graduating in Edinburgh, visiting the Kinne family in London, being best man at the wedding of two of my dearest friends, being a leader at SU camp again, and holidaying with my family for the first time in years up in Lochcarron, Wester Ross), then returned to Edinburgh after nearly ten weeks in absentia to look for a job and a place to live, whilst being put up by the generous and wonderful Macdonalds.

The good news is I've found a job! Or did it find me? Probably the latter. I am working as a (for the moment trainee) property manager with 1st Choice Property Management. That is actually slightly bizarre for me to say, because I didn't expect to be working in a business or an office environment! But here I am, and God has been incredibly generous.

What else? Well, the main reason I wanted to write was to ramble, and hopefully by rambling, process, some things that are taking place at the moment, especially with regards to faith. (Shouldn't everything relate to faith? Perhaps I still compartmentalise my life in my head...Help, Lord!)

Yesterday afternoon was intense. Having had not quite enough sleep and being involved with the set up, running and dismantling of church, I turned up at the afternoon church we run for kids from Leith, largely the Cables Wynd flats. To be honest, I hadn't been involved for weeks, and I've struggled to form relationships with most of the kids, with a couple of exceptions here and there. Anyway, while things started out tranquil, they ended near-apocalyptic, and it was really disheartening. The kids were really rude, unresponsive to any kind of request, instruction or challenge, and completely out of order - I suppose details aren't suppose to be shared for child protection reasons etc., but suffice to say that it was absolutely MENTAL!

I walked away from it all feeling a bunch of things - not wanting to do it again, disheartened about the wider social issues in Leith that these kids' behaviour reflects, but, most difficult of all, deeply and unshakably provoked about God's love.

I suppose most feelings or realisations or experiences I've had to do with God's love are incredible, overwhelming, sweeping, stirring, exciting, joyful, (etc. etc.) - fundamentally affirming and positive, encouraging. But this was different. This was where rubber hit the road - or will some day. What I mean by that is this - the way the kids treated us made me angry, judgemental, self-righteous, condemning and resentful. They don't deserve anything we're doing or trying to do for them, and they are barely grateful even a fraction of the time. They are obnoxious, ridiculously self-centred, foul mouthed, and antisocial. The list could go on. But part of me (and a very small part, I must admit; the rest of me was still RAGING!) realised that that is exactly how I must have looked to God, and likely still do at times.

The thing that yesterday's episode should any hopefully will prompt me to is some kind of realisation of the ridiculous, irresponsible, incomprehensible pursuing love of God. His is the love that pursues the prodigal, the child who has literally wished their Father dead, spat in His face, and gorged themselves on the gifts He has given them without even a thought of thanks. His is the love that left the glory of heaven and entered the broken wreckage of earth to come and find and rescue us. His is the love that surrendered to the cruel and hateful nails of a criminal's cross. His is the love that even then cried out, 'Father, forgive them.'

This isn't a love that I can grasp, that I can comprehend and structure into helpful formulae and theory that will allow me to understand it. This isn't a love that exists only in the pages of a book, or the thoughts of a reasoned mind. This isn't a love that sets rules and has limits. This is the love of God, this is the God of love.

And the craziest part of all is that this is a love that enters the most broken, wretched, dirty and undeserving places we can imagine and seeks those who dwell amidst the wreckage. And I am one of them. May I never embrace a gospel that tells me I am better than they, I am more deserving than they, I am more righteous than they.

It's hard, it's so hard. Or maybe a better way to put it is that it's easier to try and live a life that's oblivious to these things. But is it really? Will the Spirit that dwells within me ever be drowned out by the selfish desires for my own comfort and convenience that bicker for attention? Will the God who holds the whole world in His hands change His mind and turn to me, saying, 'you're right - they don't deserve it'? Will He ever stop loving the unlovely?

Then who am I to make the call? Who am I to decide who is fit to be loved and served?

Father, have mercy on this tired soul, and revive the heart that grows weary. Your love never fails.

Temporary Suspension of Blogging:

2010-04-02T08:25:00.001-07:00

Blog less; live more. Journals are far more romantic anyway, especially that nice crinkly one Ian and Natascha gave me (thanks Diamonds!).

She and Him.

2010-04-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward make nice music and videos, like this one.

A younger me.

2010-03-30T12:42:00.001-07:00

(2006)

Twitter.

2010-03-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

Despite my exceedingly high reservations about any kind of social networking (Facebook, Bebo, and all the other places where we present visions of our desperately, hopefully interesting lives, friends and thoughts...like blogs, for example ;P), I found this gem of wisdom on good ol' Joshua Longbrake's Twitter, and thought it was worth sharing.

P. S. People who blog instead of joining Facebook are arguably the equivalent of vegetarians who eat fish. Yes, I confess. And repent.

Building.

2010-03-25T08:58:00.001-07:00

Recently I've been challenged about the way I think about my life. Do I sail along letting life happen, responding to events and experiences, or am I more proactive than that? If so, what am I working towards? Ha ha, that reminds me of an idea we were discussing in my Holocaust class a few weeks ago, about the notion of individual members of the Nazi state being encouraged to 'work towards the Fuhrer', which people interpreted in various different ways. (See Ian Kershaw's argument)

Despite the possible right-wing, racist-fascist kill-everyone-take-over-the-world connotations, I think it's worth having a wee think about things in that way - not working towards Hitler, but thinking about what it is I'm working towards with my life, subconsciously and consciously. What are my aims? What are my ambitions? What, to slip momentarily into Christianese, is my vision? What is it that really matters to me above all else? Difficult questions, with potentially highly convicting answers (as in answers that will require me to get off my backside, stop blogging, and start doing something about them!)

I'll do some thinking, and write a fuller attempt at an answer soon. In the meantime, what are you building, or hoping to build?

Happiness.

2010-03-10T07:00:00.001-08:00

Is it possible to be truly happy apart from God?

Dissertation.

2010-03-10T06:16:00.001-08:00

My dissertation is due in 12 days. I have written around a third of it in the last two days. Not too bad!

Can't wait to be done though. It hasn't been quite as exhilarating as the cover of this book might suggest...!

12 days until freedom...
...4 exams not withstanding.

Back to the grindstone, methinks!

Prayers and petitions.

2010-03-10T03:23:00.000-08:00

This morning I started to pray, asking God for...

...but then I felt Him say something like 'stop asking me for stuff and just enjoy spending time for me.' Wow!

How easy is it to get so caught up in asking God for things, or to help you do things, and actually forget that He isn't a means to an end, but the means and the end!

Jesus taught us to call God 'Father', not facilitator or gift-dispenser, or project manager. He's our Dad, and we get to spend time with Him! Awesome.

Simple things.

2010-03-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

Isn't it easy to get so caught up in all kinds of things - daily life and all its complications; confuddled thoughts about life, the universe and everything; complex plans and cares about the future; etc. - and forget all about the simple glory of the gospel?

Words aren't really enough to describe it. So simple and yet so infinite.

We were lost, but He came and found us.
We were guilty, but He ransomed our lives with His own.
We had nothing, but He gave us everything.

It isn't fair. It doesn't even seem right. But it's true.

Thank you Jesus. Help me live a thank you, always.

Urgency.

2010-03-01T08:16:00.000-08:00

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. [Deuteronomy 30:19-20]

How urgent is it that we respond to what God is saying?

How urgent is it that we tell others?

Do you ever think things like 'I'll get my understanding of God sorted out, and then I'll tell people about Him/feed the hungry/clothe the naked/shelter the homeless/comfort the mourner/etc.'? Do you ever feel like it doesn't really matter when or what you do about what you believe?

I guess it sort of hit me the other day that I live this thing out, but only a little, as if it's a sort of hobby I'm coming round to, a philosophy I might try and subscribe to, a poem I might try and read. I give a little, of my time, of my thoughts, of my heart.

But then I read things like this: So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth. [Revelation 3:16...not quite as comforting as the more famous 3:16 verse in the Gospel of John!] And that strikes a bit of the fear of the Lord into me. Fear, in the sense of glimpsing the seriousness of life and all its choices, and all their consequences, immediate and (dare I say it) eternal. I can't perceive eternity, and I don't understand the immensity of life in the here and now. I'm like a patient who has no idea quite how bad their cancer is, and so can't begin to understand why their treatment is so severe.

I feel like I spend a lot of time pondering and wondering (and messing about too!) what faith is, who God is, how to relate to Him, and all of that (and none of it bad), and meanwhile people are perishing all around, while I do and say nothing. Perishing is the right word, hard as it is to understand. Maybe I don't even realise how serious it is that there really is a hell. And there's a hell here and now, too, and people are suffering there already. But rescue is still possible. Rescue is always possible, for He is mighty to save.

God, wake me up! Stir me from laziness and lethargy and lukewarm. Grab me, and pull me onwards. Make my will Yours.

There we go...

2010-02-23T03:04:00.001-08:00

In response to the need for mountains in the below post's picture.

See Jesus. Part two: the practical and the poetic ( I sound like a freaking architectural philosophy writer...)

2010-02-23T02:27:00.000-08:00

Like Gaston Bachelard, who once said something silly like 'the primary function of the house is to encourage daydreaming and shelter the daydreamer.' Lies, damn lies! Grow up, get a real job, and make me a sandwich, Gaston (my inner Philistine seemed to yell). Ha ha, fantastic, the Honesty Box just got even more honest than normal! Success.

And no, I'm not going to justify the text for this blog post to make it all nice and neat. Did you even ask that question? Probably not. Am I schizophrenic? Of course - I have four weeks to finish my dissertation!

Would a picture help? It always seems nice to have one. Yep, here's a find from 'amazing photo' searched in Google images (see top). Looks like Canada, or maybe Finland. Woods and water. Could use some mountains though...

Anyway, back to the point - the previous post was trying to say something like this: 'It's very difficult to get past all the baggage you and I bring to faith and actually figure out how to have an active, growing, daily relationship with Jesus.'

Do you ever feel like you're just chipping away at the tip of the iceberg, that there's just got to be more than you're currently understanding and experiencing in terms of...well, God. I don't even like the term 'God' - not because I'm concerned that it will offend someone (at the same time, I hope I'm not one of those weird 'macho-Christians' who seems to delight in offending people as proof of the righteousness our their cause [apologies to TMS/nickname unavailable for the intolerable use of italics, and bold in the previous POST]), or anything like that, but because this monosyllabic wee word just doesn't seem to do any kind of justice to Who it's talking about. God. God god GOD. The English language could surely have come up with something more interesting or captivating?! But language itself is fallen and limited I hear the theologians say. And I'm forced to agree, but with much muttering and grumbling :p.

But there's just got to be more. I'm not moaning that 'church has failed me' or 'Christianity sucks' or whatever. I'm more just frustrated, perhaps with myself, that I can't seem to find consistent intimacy with God, in my daily life. Is that a realistic desire? What does 'realistic' mean? Yes, God isn't a philosophy or an ethic, but how on earth do we get past those things and find ourselves truly in a relationship with Him? Why is so easy to get bogged down in a million and one things?

The basic question is this: How can we know God personally? This is asked in the sense of 'what has to happen for that to happen' rather than 'heavens to Murgatroyd; there's no way to span the infinite chasm of knowledge between mortal man and the eternal divine!' (I had no idea where that Murgatroyd phrase came from, but I think my parents used to say it now and again when I was little.)

The textbook, Sunday school answers are infuriatingly and frustratingly nearly always the right ones - it just takes a mahusive dose of humility and patience to swallow them, which in itself is proof of grace. I've got over a thousand pages (NIV) of things God has to say, I've got the crazy privelege of actually being able to talk to Him without having to go through a priest or sacrifice an animal or be in fear of my life, and He tells me to call Him Dad. That should be enough to be going on with.

To steal a Longbrake-ism, we're part of an upside down kingdom - to be low is to be high, to be poor is to be rich, to be humbled is to be exalted, and our King chooses the weak and the fools to speak to the wise and the strong. And the faith of a child is a key to this kingdom.

On another note, I heard an incredible, gentle and deeply wise older guy talking about the Kingdom of God the other day - he said something like 'every time it says 'Kingdom of God' in your bible, try putting in 'God's way of doing things', and see if it helps you understand things a bit better.' Give it a go!

Dissertation calls. I might need to change it, but hopefully not too much - just narrow my sphere of investigation a little (too many books!).

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now i know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I fully known. [1st Corinthians 13:12]

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may Him better. [Ephesians 1:17]

See Jesus.

2010-02-19T02:46:00.000-08:00

My battle is to truly see Jesus;

not to see
a series of commands I should keep;
or a way I should live;
or an experience to be had;
or a song to be sung;
or a feeling to be found;
or an image to be cultivated;
or a race to be won;
or a bible to be read;
or a task to be performed;
or a church to be attended;
or a theological concept to be understood;
or a mystery to be solved;
or a motion to be gone through;
or a prayer to be prayed;
or a conscience to be appeased;
or a means to an end.

Without Him, all my actions are hollow and empty, a series of futile motions trying desperately to 'make me feel better'.

Without Him, my faith isn't really faith at all, but more like some kind of 'spiritual comfort-blanket.'

Without Him, I'm alone, and I have no hope.

Therefore, Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. [Hebrews 12:2]

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. [Philippians 3:7-11]

May these words be made complete in my life. (A prayer, hoping to avoid the fate of simply blogging about ideas but never actually living them out...)

Running out of steam...

2010-02-17T04:55:00.000-08:00

Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. [Ecclesiastes 12:12]

There's only so much you can read about German anti-Semitism before 1933...and then you remember you've got a dissertation to finish too. I'm inside the final six weeks, and my batteries are running LOW. Help!

Trust God.

2010-02-16T03:20:00.000-08:00

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding... [Proverbs 3:5]

My own understanding says 'base that girl's worth on the shape of her body'; my God says 'Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.' [1st Samuel 16:7]

My own understanding says 'hold onto that grudge from the time that brother hurt and offended you'; my God says 'Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.' [1st Peter 4:8]

My own understanding says 'walk past that guy begging on the streets, you don't have time to stop for him'; my God says '...spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed...' [Isaiah 58:10]

My own understanding says 'you don't have what it takes to live for Jesus'; my God says 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' [2nd Corinthians 12:9]

It's hard, painful, messy, and exhausting, but in the end I'll trust God, because I know He is faithful. And His way is so much better than mine. May these words be made complete in my life.

What if these guys were all in the same church?

2010-02-16T03:13:00.000-08:00

I Need God

2010-02-10T07:07:00.000-08:00

"My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love."

Douglas Coupland, Life After God

I realised the other day that following Jesus isn't about a set of principles and ethics that people try and live out - the things He asks of us, the life He invites us to participate in, are too much and too high for us to live out, alone.

I can't muster the love or the forgiveness or the righteousness to make these things happen. And in realising that, I see my complete and utter need for God. I guess the old temptation is to believe that somehow we can manage this thing ourselves, that we can get our lives in order and 'be better people' and that somehow God will look down and say 'well done'. But the truth is that we are utterly powerless to follow Him, to choose Him, to seek Him, to be like Him, unless He moves in our hearts and minds and bodies by the power of His Spirit.

I need God, completely. But praise Him! - He is El-Shaddai: The Lord Who Is Sufficient For The Needs Of His People.

He really is the Way, the Truth and the Life!

God is sovereign

2010-01-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

'Sovereign'
- adjective
1. belonging to or characteristic of a sovereign or sovereignty; royal.
2. having supreme rank, power, or authority.
3. supreme; preeminent; indisputable: a sovereign right.
4. greatest in degree; utmost or extreme.
5. being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc.
6. efficacious; potent: a sovereign remedy.

thelongbrake dot com

2010-01-22T07:29:00.000-08:00

I've been following this guy's blog for a while now. He takes awesome photos and writes interesting thoughts. This post reminded me of the deep and burning love I have for mountainous places, and my even deeper desire to be there. Enjoy!

(Back to) The Future.

2010-01-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

When you're about to graduate, everyone starts asking you 'what are you going to do next?' and you feel the need to produce some kind of well thought through, immaculate plan of action. I do have a rough plan of sorts, based around applying for a postgraduate in teacher training at some point.

But isn't it strange that we're all so concerned with what we're going to be 'doing' - and by that I mean what career we're aiming for? That's one of the first things we ask each other when we meet for the first time: 'What is it you do? You're a plumber? What on earth is that?' (To quote Prince Charles, via Eddie Izzard...)

No one ever seems to ask anyone else things like 'what are you passionate about?', 'what do you want to see change in your street/city/country/the world?', and 'what are you going to do about it?' So, to risk being idealistic, I thought I'd just throw a few ideas of what gets me going and what I'd like to do with my life, at least for a moment unrestrained by the limitations of finances, tax-paying and practical necessities/concerns. Someone once said something like 'too many people end up doing jobs that don't give them any life, and the things they're really passionate about end up getting pushed to the side, becoming hobbies they pursue at weekends', and I agree. So what am I passionate about? What is it I really want to do?

First and foremost, I'm increasingly captured and inspired by the idea of helping to build great churches (and I don't mean architecturally; I gave that gig up about four years ago!). I'm blessed to be part of a church with a really authentic, tight-knit community at the heart of it, and I've been blessed by the men and women who have dedicated their time, energy, love and wisdom into seeing young folks like me prosper in their faith. I want to contribute positively to the life and growth of my church, whether that be through discipling younger guys or helping to run some kind of community group, or whatever. I don't want to be a passer-through, who attended a great church during their student years, and then disappeared. I believe God's doing something incredible in Edinburgh, in our church, because I've seen it. The crazy miracle is that He invites us to be part of what He's doing, and for perhaps the first time in my life I can honestly say I want in!

I'm also drawn to the idea of some kind of teaching/mentoring thing. Let me clarify a little: I have thoroughly enjoyed planning, organising and executing various activities/groups over the years, and more importantly seeing folks get something out of them. Whether it's been a small group bible study, or a musical workshop for kids at SU camp, or a hiking trip in the Highlands with the lads, I've absolutely loved putting things together and seeing folks discover life and joy and grace through participating. That's the main reason I'm drawn to high school teaching, I think.

And that's pretty much it - those two things (which have significant overlap, in case you hadn't guessed...I only just realised!) are what really gets me going. Whether one can make a living out doing them, in whatever context, is another matter entirely, but it's ok to imagine and dream sometimes, isn't it?

So there you have it. What are you passionate about? What has God placed in your heart and head that you can't seem to shake off, no matter how many ferocious practicalities and obligations crowd around you, threatening to smash every dream you ever had? (Oops. I got confused and thought I was a poet for a second there. Apologies.) But seriously; what are you dreaming of doing with your life?

Blessings,

Gordon

The home straight

2010-01-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

The final semester of university has begun.

One dissertation, two essays, and four exams to go!

Please pray for me, that I'll have the energy and focus to finish well, and that I'll hear clearly what God wants me to do after I graduate. Thanks!

For all you clever folks who've already graduated, any tips on how to best deal with this time in life?

'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years', by Don Miller.

2009-12-31T05:33:00.001-08:00

I've just finished reading the aforementioned book, which mum gave me for Christmas. It might be Don's best yet.

Here's a great quote from about half way through. Don has just finished hiking the Inca Trail in Peru, and after days of excruciating walking and climbing has reached the fabled city of Machu Picchu. He's describing how the struggle of the journey made the destination all the more incredible:

The pain made the city more beautiful. The story made us different characters than if we'd showed up at the ending an easier way (you can take a bus there!). It made me think about the hard lives so many people have had, the sacrifices they've endured, and how those people will see heaven differently from those of us who had easier lives. [p.142]

Places to share, no. 5:

2009-12-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

Various scenes from a Christmas walk with the fam, earlier today.

Homemade Candles!

2009-12-22T07:14:00.000-08:00

Made of old wax, melted down and poured into various moulds (except the tall skinny one at the back, which is honeycomb rolled up!):
- a used Innocent Smoothie carton
- a plastic tub
- an old carton of beans
The wee skinny twisty one was made by dipping wicks into a big pot of melted wax, and twisting them together while they were still warm enough to shape.

I can only take credit for the big fat one on the right (Innocent Smoothie); my brother Calum made the rest!

Merry Christmas!

Switchfoot covering...Beyonce?!

2009-12-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

Circa, Awesome!

Verse of the moment:

2009-12-18T05:07:00.000-08:00

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. [1st John 4:18]

C. S. Lewis, on forgiveness:

2009-12-18T04:45:00.000-08:00

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.

Paul David Hewson, on the Christmas story:

2009-12-17T14:12:00.000-08:00

The idea that God, if there is a force of Logic and Love in the universe, that it would seek to explain itself is amazing enough. That it would seek to explain itself and describe itself by becoming a child born in straw poverty, in shit and straw...a child...I just thought: 'Wow!' Just the poetry...Unknowable love, unknowable power, describes itself as the most vulnerable. There it was. I was sitting there, and it's not that it hadn't struck me before, but tears came streaming down my face, and I saw the genius of this, utter genius of picking a particular point in time and deciding to turn on this.

Carl-Eric Tangen, Seattle, WA.

2009-12-17T11:40:00.001-08:00

Check this guy out, on myspace or on the drop at relevant magazine. Have a look at his blog, too.

2009-12-17T10:03:00.001-08:00

Let that be enough.

2009-12-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own.
Cause I feel so defeated,
and I'm feeling alone.

And it all seems so helpless,
and I have no plans.
I'm a plane in the sunset
with nowhere to land.

And all I see,
it could never make me happy.
And all my sandcastles
spend their time collapsing.

Let me know that You hear me,
Let me know Your touch,
Let me know that You love me;
Let that be enough.

It's my birthday tomorrow.
No one here could know -
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago.

And I feel stuck
watching history repeating.
Who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy.

Let me know that You hear me,
Let me know Your touch,
Let me know that You love me;
Let that be enough.

Mariner's Revenge Song...in Lego

2009-12-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

Check this fantastic video out.

What are you going to do with your life?

2009-12-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm asking myself the same question as Echo and the Bunnymen.

Paul Armitage Photography

2009-12-10T06:31:00.000-08:00

Discovered this guy's photography whilst procrastinating today. Above is Loch Ard and Little Loch Ard, with Ben Lomond in the background. I spent a lot of my childhood here, splashing around in canoes and dinghies. Good times!

This mountain is AWESOME!

2009-12-09T07:30:00.000-08:00

Suilven, Sutherland (NW Highlands). My latest target... Click on image for a better view.

Do I look like this guy?

2009-12-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Vairous unstructured joyful thoughts!

2009-12-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

In no particular order or anything like that...completely arbitrary arrangement, ordered as they came to mind:

1. In Christ we are new creations! Our identity is no longer down to what we've done or think we are but is gloriously bound up in everything He is and has done for us! I was thinking a lot about this yesterday - that we aren't just saved from the penalty of sin (as if we're criminals who've been set loose from jail but are still dirty thieves...) but have been redeemed completely into a new identity in Christ! Maybe we were sinners saved by grace, but grace goes so much further than just saving us - by grace we are made new, we are given new birth, we are made clean and whole and pure and all that good stuff! What a beautiful rescue...what a wonderful Rescuer. How easy is it to dwell in shame and guilt and fear and completely forget all of that? But don't we become what we behold? Dwell in and on your true identity in Christ! Know the truth and be set free, dear friends.

2. God, in His intimate and overwhelming love, actually desires that we cast our anxieties on Him! He actually wants our struggles, our cares, our woes, our trouble, our terrible attitudes in the morning, our petty grudges, our daily rottenness. He wants us to cast all of these things on Him, somehow, because as our Dad He wants to care for us and deal with our junk. What an incredible God! He could demand submission, bizarre and painful ritual, mindless and impersonal obedience, but instead His heart is for intimacy and relationship with...us! Little, messy us! What a Father.

3. Pray for everything, always. I constantly make the mistake of believing (even subconsciously) that God is either uninvolved or uninterested in areas of my life. This is complete nonsense at best and dangerous unbelief at worst. Prayer works, and it changes us for the better. Get a load of this guy:

While they are praying, He gives them sweet views of His glorious Grace, Purity, Sufficiency, and Sovereignty; and enables them, with great quietness, to rest in Him, to leave themselves and their prayers with Him, submitting to His Will, and trusting tin His Grace and Faithfulness.
[Jonathan Edwards, 1735; 'A Prayer Hearing God']

Awesome.

Prayer is one of the greatest priveleges and amazing honours we get as daughters and sons of God. Imagine it - the God of the universe says 'talk to me, ask me for anything, dear children'. We get to pray for people, for our communities, for our cities, countries, world. We get to do that! We get to pray and call on God to intervene. And He promises to answer us. Incredible. I need to pray more. What a powerful thing He has placed in our hands and hearts. God is good.

4. Praise God! Rejoice in the Lord always... [Philippians, somewhere near chapter 4]. I get so stuck in introversion and looking at myself sometimes, that I completely forget all about what Jesus has gifted us by His life, death and resurrection. But it's Good News, and it never stops being good. God is so good to us. I only wish I could learn to see it and sing of it and celebrate more often!

Your Love Never Fails

2009-12-06T09:32:00.001-08:00

Shame on you, you mockers!

2009-12-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

Places to share, no.4:

2009-12-02T11:30:00.001-08:00

Dad, standing on a frozen pond on top of the Campsie Fells, Christmas 2008. Note: The ice started to crack shortly after this photo was taken!

Single.

2009-12-02T11:08:00.000-08:00

(This is a picture of a half-hearted charistmatic Christian. Who also happens to be single. He raises his hand both in worship and in the hope that he'll get picked next for entry to the holy fire spirit anointing supernatural school of romantic ministry.)

Hello world! All but a few of my friends have hooked up/got engaged/got married/settled down/all of the above in the last 12-18 months. I propose those of us who have survived this nuclear holocaust of love band together for survival in this dangerous world of blossoming romance.

But seriously. What a crazy year! Of course, it's no one's fault or anything like that - these things just happen when they happen. But all at the same time? I smell a rat.

Just kidding. Earlier today I did a bit of writing about being single, which also involved a small portion of reflection over past relationships. For me, there's a bit of a pattern - when I stop listening to God and let my emotions and longings for intimacy get the better of me, I end up having messy relationships and getting hurt. On the other hand, when I am listening to God and trying to do what He says, I end up walking away from incredible girls (well, at least once or twice!). But the Big Man must know what He's doing. And I think I'll trust Him, because I know what I'm like when left to my own devices.

It'll probably go like this, just like everyone and their mum says - it'll happen when you least expect it! So I'm not 'looking' (What on earth does that mean anyway? Going around with a large net, lurking round dark corners, waiting to ambush the nearest available option? Weird!). But hopefully I'm not 'waiting' either - by that I mean spending each day praying desperately for God to send 'the girl'. I'm sure she'll arrive in good time. But goodness me, I'd love for that to be sooner than later!

Dear future girlfriend/fiancee/wife: I miss you. Please come home.

Places to share, no.3:

2009-11-27T05:07:00.000-08:00

Atop Dumgoyne, one August Sunday morning, 2006. L-R: Alex, Neill, Gordon, Euan

'Behold; I make all things new.'

2009-11-25T03:41:00.000-08:00

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
[2nd Corinthians 5:17]

...you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in the image of its Creator.
[Colossians 3:9b-10]

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
[Ephesians 4:22-24]

If we've been made new through what Jesus has done for us, then the past doesn't have the right or authority to define the present or the future. But how easy is it to dwell on the failure, shame and guilt of the past?!

Somehow, it can be so hard to accept the words of a King, dying on a cross - 'It is finished.' But it really is. And I guess the longer I refuse or decline to accept that, the more the past will have a say in how I live now.

We weren't made to live in guilt, and we weren't rescued to constantly hark back to the time of captivity. But somehow I've forgotten, or chosen not to believe, that I really have been saved, redeemed, forgiven, healed, restored and made new. And so I settle for the bitter pain of remembering my sinful past, instead of rejoicing in the freedom that I've been released into! What an idiot I am!

If God no longer remembers the sins of my past - of last year, last week, and even yesterday - if He's blotted them out, taken them away, paid the price for them, and erased them from His records, then what right have I to dwell on them? As far as Jesus is concerned, they don't exist any longer, and in their place I'm clothed with righteousness, crowned with love and compassion.

Maybe it's easier to repent, and forget that the flipside of that is believing! Dear Lord, renew my weak and wandering mind in the wonderful light of everything You Are and all that You have done. Help me recognise who I really am in You, and rejoice in that. Teach me to dance in that glorious Truth!

What's inside your Big Issue?

2009-11-25T02:29:00.000-08:00

So today I was trudging through the Meadows on my way to university, and as I drew nearer to Middle Meadow Walk I saw that old Big Issue vendor, plying his trade in the freezing wind. (You know, the bloke who says 'Can I interest you in the Big Ish-yew?! Don't be shy - come and buy!') I decided, for once, to buy a copy of the magazine, and did my best to be friendly as we chatted briefly. As he handed over the mag, I saw him slip a wee envelope inside. Walking away, Big Issue in hand, I opened the envelope...and there inside was a Christmas card (albeit a little early!) from the old chap himself! What a great way to start the day. Thanks, old vendor man.

Places to share, no.2:

2009-11-24T01:49:00.000-08:00

The little Campsies, topped with frost, one November Sunday morning at around 8am, 2006 (?).

In the bleak midwinter...

2009-11-21T08:23:00.000-08:00

Failure hurts. Especially when you feel like it's the pattern of your faith. People talk about victory, but I'm still struggling. I wish I wasn't, but I am. Basic obedience is a struggle, and my heart is often cold.

I start asking myself 'why?' but it gets nowhere. Why, after all these years and miracles, am I in such a familiar mess? Why can't I just follow You? What is it in me that still holds back from everything I know is true and good and right and beautiful? Why do I still fall into avoidable and stupid sins?

I suppose my problem is that in times like these, I look at myself, and then I just get depressed. I'm supposed to fix my eyes on Jesus, but instead I get stuck in the muck and the mire. I'm a mess, and I'm stuck.

Lord, why do you still bother with me? You never let go, despite all my mess and sin and brokenness and downright rebellion. I don't get it, but as much of me as I know how is grateful. Please forgive me, and show me how to follow You. I know it's simple, but I'm still stuck. I need You to pull me out of all of this. I'm sorry for the way I've made it.

But there's always hope, because of love. While we were yet sinners, Jesus gave up His life for us. Jesus died for the failure, the wreck, the broken sinner I am. Somehow, I believe that's true. And so all I've got is the humble thanks of a kid who knows how wrong they are, but can't quite believe that their Dad still loves them and forgives them.

Jesus, thank you.

Divine comedy?

2009-11-20T05:09:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the computer lab in the main library this morning, I flipped open my bible as I waited for the log-in to complete. Randomly (?), I landed on Isaiah 27:1

In that day,
the LORD will punish with his sword,
his fierce, great and powerful sword,
Leviathan the gliding serpent,
Leviathan the coiling serpent;
he will slay the monster of the sea.

Bizarrely, I just happen to be writing an essay today on the political theory of Thomas Hobbes, whose most famous work is called Leviathan. [Note: to all you italics phobia people out there, apparently that's just the way you write the titles of works...TMS] It's pretty heavy going (the book itself is over 400 pages long, and political theory was never my heart's delight...), and I'm having a tough time fitting it all together.

So here's to hoping that today is 'that day', and that the Lord will well and truly punish this Leviathan with his fierce, great and powerful sword! Let's slay this bad boy. Amen.

Places to share, no.1:

2009-11-20T04:30:00.000-08:00

On the shoulder of Ben Lomond, summer 2008, looking southwest over Loch Lomond.

Ye olde probleme of fleshlee desoires...

2009-11-18T03:30:00.000-08:00

Had a wee realisation last night about the old problem of how to deal with that persistent desire for physical intimacy while single:

I was made to delight in the body of one woman, and one woman only - me wife!

As far as I'm aware, I haven't met her yet. Either that, or she and the good Lord are keeping it rather quiet...

Anyway, the point is this: save it, and save it for her. Wouldn't it be absolutely gutting to meet her at last, and then remember that you'd given yourself away already, in thought, word or deed?

Mustard seeds and mountains!

2009-11-15T16:33:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like a failure, like you've somehow failed as a Christian? That you don't have anything to say to a particular group of people who you find yourself around? That you aren't really relevant, and that you don't know how to share the gospel? Do you ever feel like you can't really get this thing, or live it out? Do you feel like your faith doesn't work?

I'd felt all of these things, for the last few weeks. Until tonight.

I tell you this story not to boast of any faith or virtue I had, but of a mighty prayer-hearing and -answering God whose faithfulness is not bound by our own limits.
Cycling up the long (but not winding) Leith Walk tonight, after a chilled out evening with good friends, I started humming a wee tune, with words about finding God on the streets. I think it was something like this (yeah, this is peripheral stuff, but it's all part of the story...):

Tonight, tonight,
Shadows scatter as You shine.
Tonight, tonight,
May Your presence be my Light.

Initially just pretty-sounding spiritual poetry. Then I saw a guy begging by the side of the street, and I knew I couldn't cycle on by and keep humming that little song. I stopped, and got him some food. We chatted a bit. I'd met him before.

The poor guy lost it after a few minutes, and just broke down there on the street. I didn't have a clue what to do. He kept apologising for crying, and crying more. I had no idea what I could say or do for him that would make any difference. I grabbed him and he wept in my arms. I had nothing else to give him, and so I just started praying. A quiet, whispered prayer, with a tiny ounce of faith. Something like 'Lord, please let this guy know Your love for him, and give him Your joy', over and over.

Suddenly, he was still, and stopped sobbing. He looked up at me. 'Did you just do something?' he asked in glorious Glaswegian. I was completely taken aback. 'Are you for real?' I honestly found myself doubting if he was authentic. But he went on - he said he felt something there. I'd felt God's presence all over my back and arms as I held him, but had no real expectation that anything would happen. But there it was, unfolding before my eyes!

I told him that all I'd done was whisper a wee prayer. It was incredible - his sobbing was completely gone, and his eyes were so genuine. We talked, and I said that that was all I'd done. I was gobsmacked. Yeah, I'm supposed to be a freaking Christian, and have faith in God, but I'm still so surprised when something actually happens!

God is bigger than our faith. God doesn't depend on us to get anything done. God doesn't respond in equal measure to us - God hears a doubting, whispered prayer, and all heaven resounds with a thunderous 'Amen', and He shows up in power beyond all we can ask or imagine!

Dear friends, don't lose hope. I'd felt like a spent force, unable to reach anyone or do anything to bring a little of His love and grace to this city. And then tonight happened. Take heart, faithful ones: He who has promised is faithful. So faithful!

Another song says this:

When I come to the end of me,
I'm relying on Someone other.
When I come to the end of me,
I'll be living for Someone stronger.
[Downhere, Last Night's Daydream]

Again, I'm humbled, defeated and exalted all at once by this glorious truth: That in and of myself, I'm powerless to do any of this - to be light and love and grace and gospel in a lost and broken world. And from that place my only hope is to cry out to God alone, for He is all I've got.

And He is good, so good.

Thank you.

2009-11-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last week having an absolute ball, fulfilling one of my most secret but long-held ambitions - being in a musical. And it's been great - I've loved dancing and singing and getting to wear awesome costumes.

But one of the main things I've realised during this whole thing (and it has been a rather long time - six weeks of rehearsals...sheesh!) is that no matter how many awesome things you can do, or goals you can accomplish, or new and exciting experiences you can have, nothing really comes close to the wonderful joy that is found in friendship.

Because of the hectic schedule that rehearsals have brought to my weeks, coupled with a busy university week, I've barely seen some of the people who I love the most for well over a month and and a half.

And so, everyone (and I hope you know who you are), I'd just like to say how awesome it is to know you and to be your friend, and that I've missed you all loads. Thanks for coming to see the show, too. I've had a blast, but I can't wait to see y'all again, and just hang out.

'Happiness is not real unless shared.' [Christopher McCandless]

Thanks for being there to share it with. You are more dear to me than I've probably ever had the words to say. God bless everyone.

Love, Gordon

p.s. The pic is of me giving y'all (and yes, America, I find this word far more appealling than 'youse'...!) a big hug.

Extroverted introvert.

2009-11-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight was strange, but not unexpected. After another great show, I went out for dinner with the whole cast, only to find myself with very little to say to anyone around me. So after dinner was over and most people headed out to a club, I slipped away unnoticed, on my bike. But it isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened.

I joined a rugby team earlier this year for a wee while, but didn't get far with chatting to the lads, and so I didn't feel too bad not turning up after a few weeks. I went to a flat-warming party of some folks I know well, but didn't get far talking to the heaps of people there, and so left early.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't exactly thrive on large social situations, and that my capacity for small talk is disctinctly lacking. It's strange, but not hurtful. I don't feel lonely in these situations - just awkward and unable to contribute to the goings on.

It's strange, because there are times I completely thrive on new situations and meeting new people. But I guess these are usually smaller and more intimate situations - like having an amazing conversation with a politically-impassioned Greek girl on the train back from St. Andrews one evening last summer, or meeting someone I never really knew too well before in Why Not of all places one December night, and ending up getting on like a house on fire.

Oh well; I suppose there's not much use in endlessly wondering about all of these things. I am what I am, and I'm not what I'm not. At the end of the day, I least I gave it a shot.

Maybe part of growing into your real identity, the person God made you to be, is figuring out what you're really like and learning to be content in that. We weren't made to be anyone else! I'm me, because that's who God made me to be, and you're you for exactly that same reason. Perhaps we spend too much time and energy wondering why were aren't a certain way, instead of looking at the way we are, and learning to see ourselves as God does.

I'd better go to bed. It's nearly 2am.

Spiritual (vs?) Practical

2009-11-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

Today has been a mixed bag.

I had a fantastic time this morning revelling in the amazing truth that my standing before God has nothing to do with who I am or what I've done, but everything do with Who He Is and what He's done. Got a major dose of that whole liberation-joy thing!

Spent the morning cleaning the flat and waiting for a guy to come a fix our shower. Practical things like that are pretty satisfying - hoovering, cleaning, tidying, etc. It was great to sit back after all that and see a tidy, pleasant looking flat! (And not one where certain friends would rather kill themselves than live in...)

But this afternoon I sat down and tried to get through some reading for my delightful 'Republicanism and the Social Contract' class, which is not my cup of tea. Whatsoever. And it was tough, and I got pretty stuck, and discouraged by it. The essay won't be great, and the exam will be worse, most likely.

And so my question is this: How do I worship and live for God in all things, even the stuff that is completely rotten and boring?

I guess I'm getting frustrated at having to spend time on things I'd really rather not be doing. Passing this course is necessary for finishing university, but it is all but beyond my ability and interest. People (usually parents, and especially Brits) often say 'we all have to do things we don't like sometimes' and so we'd better just get on with them. This statement is probably true, but completely unmotivating!

Other people say that Paul probably didn't love making tents when he was working in between missionary trips around the Mediterranean (mind you, it could've been worse - he wasn't exactly a stranger to persecution and prison...). But I'd gladly be making tents, rather than reading about Thomas Hobbes and Leviathan.

I think this all comes down to the apparent gap between the amazing moments of intimacy and glory we have with God, perhaps during worship or prayer, or in serving Him, and the necessary but often dull practical stuff we have to do to get by. Of course, work is a good thing, and is God-given (as the verses below inconveniently confirm...tragically, work was part of creation before the fall!).

Maybe you can relate to this? Perhaps you've stood in a moment of worship, drenched in the awesome grace and splendour of God, and your heart has been stirred so passionately that all you want to do is spend the rest of your life telling people about Him and praising Him to the high heavens! Then you walk out of the meeting or room, and remember that life has practical concerns, like completing coursework, or earning money, or all of that stuff, and it sucks out a whole lot of the passion you just experienced.

I think my question is this: How can we integrate these two so that there is no gap between them? (Because I don't believe there is in God's mind.)

My heart's desire is to worship and proclaim God with my whole life, but I don't know how to do that in the things that bore me to tears.

Any ideas?

O praise Him.

2009-11-03T12:22:00.001-08:00

Work.

2009-11-03T04:26:00.000-08:00

'A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?' [Ecclesiastes 2:24-25]

'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.' [Colossians 3:23-24]

The panic and the peace.

2009-11-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

Ok. Just got an email from the university saying that the Student Awards Agency for Scotland (SAAS) isn't paying my fees for this year. And a letter demanding £739 council tax. My response to both of these completely unexpected problems was 'oh f*ck'. Asides from the fact that my French is obviously still in good working order, this is not good.

Instead, perhaps I should have said the following:

'I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust'.' [Psalm 91:2]

If a little wave rocking my boat can evoke such a panicked reponse in me, what will a the real storms do? Where does my peace really lie, and on whom does it depend? Me, or the God who upholds me?

And so I repent: My French is crude, and my sight is short. And I believe: He's got the whole world in His hands.

'Procrastination is the thief of time.'

2009-10-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

In the library, when working on the computers, I procrastinate by doing the following:
- checking my emails (both hotmail and university accounts; the latter not as frequently) far too regularly
- watching videos, either on youtube or rugbydump.com
- reading the bbc news website, and sports website
- going on endless rabbit-trails on wikipedia, reading heaps of articles that have nothing to do with what I'm studying, but are very interesting nonetheless
- checking other people's blogs
- checking my own blog to see if people have commented on it
- trying to write interesting blogs about procrastination
- making plans of how to do all the work that I need to for this semester

What does this say about me?
- that I have a obsessive need to be contacted by people
- that I have an intense need to be entertained
- that I have limited self-control
- that the internet, for me, is a bottomless pit and a time-sucking vice of doom!

What a damning state of affairs! I think I'd better pray. And fast.

Heart made of sound, by the Softlightes.

2009-10-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

Blogger's block?

2009-10-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

For the past week or so I've wanted to write something, and I've certainly had a bunch of topics to choose from, but for some reason I get part way through an entry and then scrap it. For instance, just there I was going to write about being frustrated at still being at uni and having to read a bunch of stuff that I don't think really matters, and then put that into a bit of context and talk about the peace that comes from accepting the work God has given you to do for a particular phase of your life. But I got stuck, and so that brief synopsis will have to do.

Perhaps my problem is that I'm writing to be read, where as I used to just write what came into my mind, and go with that. Maybe pride is coming into this whole lark? Likely yes.

Sheesh. This is difficult. On the plus side, I'm learning that spending less time wandering round the internet is both safer (purity) and more fulfilling for me. It means I can read books! I've got a whole pile to be getting on with - 'Once and For All: A Confession of the Cross' by Tom Smail, which my brother gave me for my birthday; 'The Four Loves' by C. S. Lewis, which a friend lent me; 'The Inner Voice of Love' by Henri J. M. Nouwen, which a friend's mum lent me; and finally 'Vintage Church' by the charming Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears, which I'm supposed to have given my brother for his birthday! It's on the way, bro.

On the other hand, the internet does have a number of wonders that can be appreciated in moderation. It is, of course, a fabulous library of as yet undiscovered musical joy, and it does boast BBC i-Player, which currently has David Attenborough's 'Life' on it! Awesome. Check it out.

For anyone who's interested, the show is going great. I think I'm falling in love with dancing! Folks who know me understand I have a deep and intimate affection for a good old ceilidh, but I'm finding that my love is big enough for more than one genre of dance! The singing is great fun too. In the past few weeks I've sung solo in front of people more times than I have in the rest of my life put together, which has been scary but wonderful. I love it. To be honest, I'm not really too bothered about how 'good' I am at either of these things; rather, I simply love doing them. Perhaps, Marcus Buckingham, these are my strengths? (Things I feel strong doing, but am not necessarily blindingly good at) Talking of musicals, check these 'real life' shows out. The guy's blog is pretty good too.

On the other hand, one of the things being in the show has made me realise is that I'm actually not that great at integrating into new, large-scale social situations. I suppose it was always going to be interesting joining a cast who'd been rehearsing for a good few weeks already, but hey, that's how it goes. I think I function best in smaller groups...

On the uni front, things are going far better than they were 24 hours ago. For example, I've actually managed to read a little of Hugo Grotius! What are the chances?! Work is heavy, but manageable, and 3/4 of it is stuff I'm into. I must confess I am looking forward to being done, academically, but socially I could do this forever. How do grown-ups socialise? How do they meet new people? How do they earn enough money to live without student discounts? Troubling questions, and few answers. Friends in the outside world: speak up!

God is good. I'm learning that slowly but surely, and learning to let that inform how I think and act. I'm learning that you don't have to be the world's next evangesaurus in order to be faithful, but that you do have to ask God to change your heart and make it compassionate towards the people you walk by and sit beside every day. I'm learning to pray for folks and actually believe that God wants to and will respond to those prayers, and to live in light of those prayers. I saw a video yesterday of a guy with no arms or legs saying 'if God made me this way to reach just one more person, then it's all worth it' and got humbled as I've never been before. Nick Vujicic is something else.

Anyway, I suppose that'll do. Back to the studies. This time it's the effect of the Cold War on the civil rights movement, which is actually pretty interesting.

For us weary travellers, sons and daughters stumbling our way home:

2009-10-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

...I said, 'I have laboured to no purpose;
I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing.
Yet what is due me is in the Lord's hand,
and my reward is with my God.' [Isaiah 49:4]

Don't give up, dear friends.
He is nearer than we think.

Just a quickie...

2009-10-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

So the internet fasting thing works! (Yes, I know I'm breaking the fast by writing this, but I thought it was worth a mention...Anyway, the kind of fasting I meant was from the mindless, brainless browsing that sucks out your soul and turns you into a vegetable)

Yesterday afternoon/evening I had a great time listening to God and writing down some of the stuff I felt He was saying in my journal. By hand, with a pen! None of this electronic blasphemy! Mostly, I think He was teaching me about listening. It was pretty good stuff.

And this morning it looked a bit like this (see pic). I woke up really late, had a good browse through a brochure I'd found in my bookshelf called 'Walk in Scotland', which someone had left in my room a couple of summers ago. It's crammed full of stunning landscape photographs, and, combined with the lovely morning, made me very glad to be alive and have experienced some of these places in the flesh. So I pulled out my ukulele and sang 'How Great Thou Art' very loudly and joyfully.

Yes, it is far more satisfying to spend time with Father than wasting away in front of a computer screen...

The internet is a bottomless pit and a time-sucking vice of doom!

2009-10-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

Why do I waste so much time here when there's all sorts of things like this to behold?

I propose a self-imposed internet fast. And quickly.

Instead of checking emails, updating blogs, and generally killing the last few remaining braincells I still possess, I would like to:

- read any one of the backlog of books which I 'don't have time to read because I'm at university.'
- enjoy listening to music, unaccompanied by any images other than the ones that come into my head.
- go for the occasional walk or cycle to somewhere old and familiar, or new and exciting.
- praying, and listening for God.

Fantastic music video from a couple of years back...

2009-10-14T13:13:00.001-07:00

Enjoy!

Brooke Fraser, 'Hymn'

2009-10-13T04:21:00.000-07:00

Henri J. M. Nouwen (1932-1996)

2009-10-13T02:31:00.000-07:00

At the start of the summer, Ailsa's mum gave me a couple of books by Henri J. M. Nouwen, a Catholic priest who spent a number of years in a L'Arche community near Toronto.

I've been reading one of them, The Inner Voice of Love, which is a collection of writings he did during a period of intense brokenness and depression, recording what God spoke to him during this time. Basically, it's awesome, so I thought I'd share a chapter now and again.

This one's called Acknowledge Your Powerlessness:

'There are places in you where you are completely powerless. You so much want to heal yourself, fight your temptations, and stay in control. But you cannot do it yourself. Every time you try, you are more discouraged. So you must acknowledge your powerlessness. This is the first step in Alcoholics Anonymous and the treatment of all addictions. You might as well think of your struggle in this ay. Your inexhaustible need for affection is an addiction. It rules your life and makes you a victim.

Simply start by admitting that you cannot cure yourself. You have to say yes fully to your powerlessness in order to let God heal you. But it is not really a question of first and then. Your willingness to experience your powerlessness already includes the beginning of surrender to God's action in you. When you cannot sense anything of God's healing presence, the acknowledgement of your powerlessness is too frightening. It is like jumping from a high wire without a net to catch you.

Your willingness to let go of your desire to control your life reveals a certain trust. The more you relinquish your stubborn need to maintain power, the more you will get in touch with the One who has the power to heal and guide you. And the more you get in touch with that divine power, the easier it will be to confess to yourself and to others your basic powerlessness.

One way you keep holding on to an imaginary power is by expecting something from outside gratifications or future events. As long as you run from where you are and distract yourself, you cannot fully let yourself be healed. A seed only flourishes by staying in the ground in which it is sown. When you keep digging the seed up to check whether it is growing, it will never bear fruit. Think about yourself as a little seed planted in rich soil. All you have to do is stay there and trust that the soil contains everything you need to grow. This growth takes place even when you do not feel it. Be quiet, acknowledge your powerlessness, and have faith that one day you will know how much you have received.'

Deep stuff. If anyone would like to borrow the book, give me a shout.

Crutch?!

2009-10-12T15:34:00.001-07:00

It seems that a common accusation of Christians by folks who object to our faith is that God is somehow 'a crutch' for people who aren't strong enough to cope by themselves.

Christians, a wee challenge for you: Don't disagree with this charge, but instead show your friendly challenger how inadequate a metaphor it is - a crutch supports a person who only needs a little bit of help to get by, and is used only until they have been healed of their injury. The crutch allegory doesn't go far enough - if we only need God to prop us up until we're 'better' then He's a rather weak and pitiful God, and we're actually not too bad!

No, God isn't a crutch for weak people - He's a complete heart transplant and full-body cast for a completely broken and helpless people.

2009-10-12T15:24:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohyE2vxwoxM

...In this world, You are all we have now.

Theory vs. Practice

2009-10-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

Questions:

I was made to find my deepest joy in God. How does God satisfy my (basic?) human desire for romantic love, in a season where I am single? (After all, Jesus isn't my girlfriend)

Why do I feel guilty, if all my guilt has been dealt with and erased by the cross of my Lord?

Why, despite the fact that it is my deepest desire, do I find it so difficult at times to simply worship God?

Things like this are hard. But if I give myself the time to stop and think back across my life, warts and all, I find a simple comfort in this: That no matter where I've found myself, what feelings or thoughts I've carried, what struggles or hurts I've endured, God carries me. At the end of the day, that's the answer I have, perhaps the only answer. At times it's the most frustrating thing you could hear someone say to you, sounding like a cop-out or a botched attempt to address your situation. But if I'm honest, after all my little angry outbursts and struggles have subsided, something in me gratefully accepts this simple, mighty grace.

I can write all kinds of different paragraphs, complaining about the state of 'the church', or railing about 'what we should be doing', or sharing some theological thought I've stumbled upon that week. But all of these things are just words, if they're not reflective of my life. A friend I used to write to in Canada once said something like 'I hope you don't hide behind your words' (She always had a lovely way of cutting to the chase...), and I hope that too. I hope that all of this isn't just an exercise in demonstrating to my friends that I can write interesting stuff, or communicating a picture of someone I'd like to be. Because if it is, then it's a lie, a poor and shallow attempt to mask the fact that I'm as messed up as the next guy. When all's said and done, all I really have is the grace of God. And I hope that, in some way, what I write here can be a little testimony to that.

I need His grace - His unconditional, all-surpassing love and forgiveness, His infinite bag of second-chances - because I simply don't have what it takes to live a life that could offer even the smallest word of thanks for what He has done for me. I need grace to even begin to understand grace itself.

I suppose the title of this entry is misleading, because if my 'faith' is only a matter of 'theory and practice', then I'm as good as six feet under. There isn't a theory, and there isn't a practice, but only the slow yet steady realisation of a love that goes beyond all I can really understand.

When faced with all of these questions (the ones above, and a thousand more besides), it's easy to feel overwhelmed. (Actually, scrap that - you don't really get the option to be overwhelmed; you're just overwhelmed full stop!) And I don't have an answer other than the one I've already acknowledged - that God carries me, and that His grace is enough.

God once told a lovely wee lady at church to share this message with me, and I think it's worth repeating:

'My son, be concerned with Me and My Kingdom. Let My Love fill you to overflowing, let Me be concerned about all your unanswered questions. I love you My son, I have your life in My hand and I won't let you go, says the Lord...Lean on Me, My son; let Me be your Dad, says the Lord.'

I think I just got hit by what's really going on here (this happens a lot when I start writing...!) - that so often I write and talk about God in the third person, like He's not even there. (Like right now, I'm writing as if God was somehow absent from the room, that He had no idea what I'm writing! Did it again) Is this Who He really is to me? Someone removed, someone so distant that He might even just be a concept? Help!

Perhaps the problem is never really what I lack in and of myself, but rather that I spend all day looking for an answer everywhere and anywhere but God Himself! So that's that, then. I need to stop typing, and go spend some time with my Dad!

In the meantime, I'll leave the verse of the moment:

'There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to with punishment.' [1st John 4:18]

Quote of the week:

2009-10-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

(click on image for a bigger view)

This isn't how I go...

2009-10-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

For all you Big Fish fans out there:

Needs. Desires.

2009-10-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

Over the past few years I've become increasingly convinced that God is the source of all I truly need and all I truly desire; that in Him all my needs are met, and all my desires are met and satisfied in abundance.

But agreeing with an idea is different to actually making something part of your life...
And so I guess it's up to me to do something about that: to look for Him, and learn to recognise just how true these things are.

'If you seek Him, He will be found by you...' [1st Chronicles 28:9]

I love ceilidhs!

2009-10-09T09:35:00.001-07:00

Good times!

2009-10-09T09:32:00.001-07:00

'Behold, behold;
It is the Lord.
He comes,
He comes
To carry me.'

Happy.

2009-10-09T09:19:00.001-07:00

Idols: they won't make you happy, but you'll end up serving them in the desperate hope that they will.

God: made you to delight in Him, and only in Him will you be truly happy!

Choose one of the above.

Whisky at Dawn, Arthur's Seat, May 2009

2009-10-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hope.

2009-10-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

'Don't despair now,
Don't despair.
There's too much grace;
There's too much grace
To fear.'

Getting lost. Being found.

2009-09-22T05:54:00.000-07:00

Christians:

Do you ever get so wound up thinking about what you 'ought to be doing' about your faith - sharing the gospel, reaching out to others, serving people, etc. - that you completely miss out on simply spending time with God?

Do you ever find yourself so concerned about what you should do that all the time you spend in His Word and in prayer, and even in worship, end up being totally overwhelmed by the desperate search for tips of how to do it, rather than simply looking for Him?

Do you ever feel guilty about wanting to just rest from all your labours and simply relax, hang out with Dad for a while, have a laugh, and do nothing to 'advance the kingdom' or 'spread the gospel'?

Do you ever fear that doing things simply for enjoyment - like just hanging out with friends, or watching a film, or singing, or playing sport, or climbing a mountain - might not be a 'worthy' or 'holy' or valuable use of your time?

I do.

Put simply, the fear is this: that somehow I still have to be doing something in order to really be worth anything; that if I'm not 'doing the Lord's work' then I might not be truly His; that everything I do has to become some kind of gospel-project and that if it isn't then I'm failing as a Christian; that spending time getting to know God without any concern for 'the mission' or 'the kingdom' is somehow sinful.

Yes, faith without works is dead. But the works of fear as worthless. There is no fear in love. And there is another tension here: God simply doesn't need us to get stuff done, but He chooses to bring us in on what He's up to.

Back to the point: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. [1st John 4:18]

I fear, because I don't get His love. I don't get it, and I don't get Him. And in my fear, I cave in to the only thing the world has ever really taught me, which is that to be worth something, you've got to be doing something, and to be really worth something, you've got to be great at doing that something.

I fear, because I don't understand that He is for me, and that He wants, has and is the best for me. I fear, because I don't realise that He says to call Him 'Father' for a reason. I fear, because I get so lost in the jungle of my own inadequacies and failures that I can barely see a king on a cross. I fear, because I'm besieged by the voices of 'do more' and 'prove yourself' that I can't hear Him say 'It is finished...My grace is sufficient.'

Again, I prove an old truth: that sinful kids will fight like hell to try and justify themselves despite glaringly obvious and damning evidence against them, rather than receive the grace of a Saviour.

Dear Lord; once again I find myself poor and empty handed, once again I'm humbled and carried to Your cross, and once again You prove Yourself more faithful than I can say. Even my gratitude is broken, but it's all I have. That you would even hear my words is enough...thank you.

For the gents...

2009-09-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

Just had a wee thought for all us young gents who are often tempted to gaze on women with lustful intent - here's a couple of things to remember:

- God loves you more than you'll ever know; she doesn't.
- God is worthy of all praise, admiration and affection; she isn't.

Period. When tempted, remind yourselves of these things.

Unifreakingversity

2009-09-15T02:58:00.000-07:00

So here we are - the home straight, the final push, the ultimate year! Wandering round campus today, down the corridors of the history department, through the various levels of the library, one thing's for sure: it's good to be back.

I tend to spend all summer reading next to nothing and then wondering how I'm going to cope with all the work the following semester, but just being here has reminded me how much I enjoy uni. Doubtless there will be a lot of work, but I'm up for it. Bring on the year ahead!

The only thing that seems a little strange is that a whole bunch of people have graduated. I keep expecting to turn a corner on campus and run into them, so it's a tad weird when they aren't around any more. Same context minus old friends equals strange. But there are a good pile of folks around that I know from history and other places, so I'm definitely not alone.

Anyway, I'd better actually get down to some work. Term officially starts next Tuesday, but I should probably use this time to get to grips with the big one: the dissertation. Still not quite certain what I'm doing for it, but the background research is interesting and enjoyable.

A closing thought: university is a huge blessing, and I'm privileged to be here. I'm thankful to God for allowing me to spend these happy years of my life here, in this university and this city. I want to walk in that attitude of thankfulness and gratitude with my final months of study and in the relationships I have here. Lord, please accept my humble offering of thanks.

The local church is the hope of the world.

2009-09-05T04:54:00.000-07:00

During a family walk yesterday, we got into an extensive discussion about the state the world's in and what might be the solution to every problem that's ever existed (a regular topic in our conversational repertoire...). The world is in a rather sorry state, what with poverty, oppression, war, hunger, injustice and all sorts of other rotten things as far as the eye can see.

And all over the world, various solutions are being talked about, constructed and applied, by various organisations and governments, with varying degrees of success. There simply doesn't seem to be a straightforward remedy to the mess we find ourselves in.

People question, 'why isn't the government (any government, our government, etc.) doing anything about [insert crisis here]?' a whole lot. But my question is this: 'Where is the church in all of this?'

In the city where drug dealing and alcoholism are rife, where is the church?
In the neighbourhood plagued by gang violence and domestic abuse, where is the church?
In the run-down housing scheme where people scrape by close to or below the poverty line, where is the church?
In the town where young women and girls are trafficked to become part of the sex trade, where is the church?
In the suburb where the materially-secure but spiritually-empty middle-class are slowly eaten away by the bitter idols sold to them by the prince of this world, where is the church?

We are the light of the world.
We are the city on the hill that cannot be hidden.
We have been entrusted with the Gospel, the good news to a broken and dying world.
We have been shown the greatest love the world has ever known in the person of Christ, and we are called to live like He did.

So where are we?

Lord, have mercy on us. And let us be instruments of Your mercy to those who don't yet know Your love.

Is the Gospel enough?

2009-09-04T02:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I was thinking about the kinds of people I'm around on a regular basis, and wondering how I could reach out to them with the Good News about Jesus. Mostly, these folk are friends and colleagues from university, and homeless and vulnerable people on the streets of Edinburgh. I have to confess that the prospect of sharing the Gospel with both groups of people seemed extremely daunting, the more I thought about it.

What relevance does the Gospel have to a middle-class, highly educated, secularist-atheist student who demands proof of all kinds and is often hostile towards even the notion of God? Could the Gospel ever satisfy their thirst for 'evidence' or overwhelm their resistance to the supernatural?
And what use is the Gospel to the poor and destitute, the alcoholic and the addict, the beggar and the rough-sleeper? Isn't it rather cheap and ironic to offer someone in that situation the promise of a better life after they die?

Questions like these are so often fired our way, by folk around us and by the enemy. And to be honest, the temptation is to give in to the despair which they can so easily inspire. I find myself overwhelmed - there is nothing in me that can offer a fully satisfactory answer to these penetrating and awkward questions. I don't have the intellectual and rhetorical abilities to satisfy the intelligence of my academic peers. And I don't know the right words to give to someone who I desperately long to help but am powerless to relate to because our life experiences are so vastly different.

As I lay there in bed, straining and struggling to come up with something - an argument, a scheme, an outline of action to be taken - it suddenly hit me that I was right: I didn't have an answer. My inadequacy is so deep that I cannot even begin to figure out how to find an answer, let alone share it. But there is a hidden glory in such a defeat: I am not required to come up with the answer, as if my own intelligence could devise some sort of final word in all of this, or my own heart could muster the compassion needed to provide help. Rather, I have been entrusted with something that goes far beyond all I can possibly ask or imagine, dream or devise, and I am simply asked to share that. That something is the Gospel of Christ.

Sure, it might sound like foolishness to my academic peers, but the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is wiser than man's strength. [1st Corinthians 1:25] And this isn't a cop-out. It is an opportunity to be faithful with what we've been given, and in turn to see God respond to that timid act of obedience with a faithfulness and grace that far surpass anything I can muster. A wise man said something like this to a bunch of us a couple of weeks ago: Put the weight on the Gospel. We are called to be faithful, not to come up with all the answers. God is glorified in our obedience, because when people get saved through the preaching of His Word everybody knows that it was all down to Him. My wise and persuasive words (if I had any) could never be enough to convince you - if God is God, He'll convince you Himself.

Last night, the simple but glorious truth I heard was this: Christ is enough. Enough for the brilliantly shining academic who had constructed a bastion of logic and science around their heart and mind, confident that their defences can never be breached. And enough for the poor beggar on the streets, who feels like God has forgotten him.

Don't ask me how this can be true - some truth just has to be experienced before it can be received. (Perhaps even all truth?)

Speaking through Malachi, God told His people this, regarding the tithe:
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." [Malachi 3:10]
He asked them to be faithful, and in response to that simple act of obedience He thoroughly drenched them in His blessing. I believe this to be a principle for everything that God asks us to do - obey, and then stand back and see how much blessing He will pour out in response to that obedience.

And so the challenge to us is this: believe the Gospel, and faithfully proclaim it. And then stand in awe as the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob overwhelms our timid obedience with His mighty faithfulness.

So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:
"See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed." [Isaiah 28:16]

Sex: a confession

2009-08-25T06:28:00.000-07:00

The title of this entry might be a little misleading, so I'll get straight to the point.

Today it hit me just how messed up we have got with our attitude towards sex. Here are some thoughts:

Go into the changing room of any male sports team on the planet, and you'll likely come away thinking that mindless, impersonal, unloving and uncommitted sex is the main desire of the modern man. And, as a young man, this is the temptation I face - to cave in to both the culture around me and my own sinful cravings, and let myself wilfully desire that kind of sex.

But at the end of the day, this kind of sex is based on fundamentally broken things. We all want to be physically desirable to, and desired by, members of the opposite sex. But what does that say about us? Sex has got to the point where it is portrayed and thought of only in terms of the physical. Everyone wants to be sexy, and everyone wants to have sex with someone sexy. In this way, perhaps sex has become a means of affirmation - if you're having sex with someone hot, you must be pretty hot yourself. But doesn't that mean that sex somehow gets turned into an act of appeasing our fear of never being found attractive and at the same time proving to ourselves that we have some kind of worth?

Or how about this: most men talk about sex using often vulgar and sometimes violent terminology - the words 'f*ck', 'shag', 'nail', etc. come to mind, as does the term 'conquest'. Disgusting, but true. There is nothing of love or commitment here; what matters is accomplishment, and the recognition of that accomplishment. A man tells his mates of his sexual exploits to prove something to them - that he's 'man enough' or smooth enough or [insert 'admirable' quality for male peer group here] enough. For many of us men, sex has turned into a means by which we prove ourselves, to ourselves and to our mates. We got the hot girl. We got her to do x, y and z to us. We made her climax. Look how great we are. We're really something, aren't we? What a mess!

Why would I need to prove myself thus? Why has sex (among other things) become a means by which I prove myself? What has happened to God's intention and design for sex (He is, after all, its original Author)?

If I need a girlfriend, if I need her to be hot, if I need to have sex with her and for that sex to be 'good enough' for me to somehow feel affirmed, it's because I am fundamentally broken and deeply insecure person. It's because I do not know who I really am, nor, more importantly, Who really defines me and tells me what I'm really worth.
In this position, I'm bound to engage in this mindless, impersonal, unloving and uncommitted sex, because my primary aim is trying to somehow prove myself, and not to express love. But the 'casual' sex of our day and age is not simply a violation of God's holy law - it is settling for less than He has intended and designed us for.

If God really is Who He says He Is, then His Way does not represent 'good advice' but is in fact the very definition of how life is designed to work. When we walk in His Ways, we take our place in the symphony of all Creation, moving in harmony with the very fabric of the universe itself. We were made to walk in His Ways, and any deviation from that is simply settling for less than we were created for. Accordingly, such deviation damages us and robs us of a greater joy.

And so what might be the remedy to this epidemic of broken sex?
'No sex before marriage' is not enough. You can have plenty of broken sex in marriage.

The answer lies in finding everything we need in Christ Himself, because He alone is the True Satisfier. My needs for worth, affirmation, love, joy, acceptance, forgiveness, intimacy, and so on, can only be truly satisfied in Him. And every time I look for satisfaction in other things, I'm missing out. And in this bitter place, I'm forced to agree with the words of the prophet Jeremiah:
My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.

Only when I allow Christ to wholly satisfy my every need and desire can I truly begin to walk in the Way He has rescued me for. I was not brought into His Kingdom to settle for broken sex.
In Christ, I have been given everything, that I might give myself away. In Christ I find my worth, I find my broken desire to somehow prove myself gloriously frustrated by His overwhelming grace, I find myself accepted. Because of this, sex (among other things) can cease to be an arena of self-affirmation and start to become a way in which I give, without thought of return. I will not make love to my wife because I somehow need to, for want of affirmation or worth, but rather out of delight in her. I will not boast of my sexual exploits with my peers, because I simply do not need to prove myself, as a lover, or in any other way.

In Christ I have it all. And if I have it all, then I may truly give.

The year ahead...

2009-08-24T04:57:00.000-07:00

Goals for the coming year:

Reach out: I want to be intentional and consistent in sharing my faith with friends and uni, and new folks I meet.

Reach in: I want to get involved in the discipleship of young guys at church, and contribute to the life of the church through community group and children's church.

Reach up: I want to seek God more desperately, know Him more intimately, serve Him more wholeheartedly, love Him more passionately, and worship Him more zealously. The usual...! If you can think of any other adjectives, please forward them.

I'll let you know how I get on.

(re-written from yesterday - more concise and less weird).

'Once and For All: A Confession of the Cross' by Tom Smail

2009-08-18T04:34:00.000-07:00

I've just started reading this incredible book, which my dear and intellectual brother gave me for my birthday. A lot of the books I've come across recently that are concerned with theology have sadly turned out to be rather disappointing, written by people who seem to want nothing more than to re-write the Bible (for example, John Shelby Spong), and so Smail's writing comes as something of a mighty relief!

I'm scarcely any way through chapter one, but I thought I'd post some quotes up here for all to enjoy. His writing is incredibly rich, or at least I think so.

Smail points out that, in communicating the Cross, the apostle Paul both challenged the cultural norms of his day whilst offering them what it was they were really looking for. For example, Greeks looked for wisdom, and so Paul gave them the wisdom of the Cross; Jews looked for miracles, and what is a greater miracle than the Cross itself? Therefore, Smail says, the apostolic word of the cross is, in the power of the Spirit, able both to judge and fulfil the cultures that it encounters. (p.6)

He also writes about the offence of the Cross:
There is that in me and, I suspect, in all of us that wants to deny its centrality and diminish its significance, because it is at the cross that I am judged and found wanting, my self-esteem is shaken, my pride humiliated and my ultimate moral standing radically questioned. The crucified Jesus is the judge of all the earth...
...We must be careful that that powerful desire to protect ourselves from that judgement does not express itself in an evasion of the cross in our theology, in our worship, in our Christian living. (p.7-8)

But the judgement of the Cross does not leave us condemned:
[Christ] shows us that only by what He has done can our most fundamental need be first measured and then met. The sharpness of the judgement that repels us is only the sharpness of the surgeon's knife whose one aim is our healing and renewal into a quality of life that is different from anything we have yet known... (p.8)

Some other solid quotes:
We can speak validly of the saving work of Christ on the cross only when we have in some measure submitted to the judgement that He passes on us and surrendered to the love that alone is able to heal us. (p.8)

In the Christian community personal relationship is always prior to theological statement; we know about God only when we know God, just as in human relationships what I say about a person is most securely based when I know that person. (p.10)

I haven't even finished the first chapter yet, but I'm confident even better stuff is on the way. Will keep you posted.

Day One:

2009-08-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

After a few botched attempts to at blogging, followed by several hasty retreats back to the world of anonymity, I've decided to return.

I had the idea of just writing honestly and simply about my journey as a Christian, warts and all.
Perhaps this blog can serve as some kind of a forum, where people can share their thoughts on the stuff I write about, offer advice, take encouragement, or just stay in touch.

Anyway, that's enough for now. I'm hungry, and I've spent more than enough time sitting in front a computer already today. Currently reading 'Once and For All: A Confession of the Cross' by Tom Smail (a birthday present from my rather clever brother, Calum), and am about to begin 'The Four Loves' by C. S. Lewis. I'll let you know how I get on!